less lonely
We’ve heard it a million times: “Bad news sells.” And we’ve certainly had more than our fair share of it lately, haven’t we?
As someone who takes my own advice perhaps more than anyone, and ever keeping in mind that central theme of mine — “You always have a choice” — I went beyond simply turning off the bad news to making an active search of good news.
Would you believe that there is actually a whole news site called Good News Network?
There I read an article that not only held true to the claims of offering good news, but that introduced me to something I’ve suspected was true for some time, yet for which I had no proof.
Until now.
I encourage you to read that article for yourself. But the short version is that researchers from California and Italy teamed up to conduct a study which reveals that people with greater empathy and wisdom are less lonely.
Conversely, as you might have guessed, that means people with less empathy and wisdom are more lonely.
Well, that seems easy enough, right?
Just get more wisdom.
Get more empathy.
Be less lonely.
Phew! Glad we solved that one so quickly.
Hmmm…
In reality, those two qualities — wisdom and empathy — are a bit hard for most people to nail down. After all, how do you measure something like wisdom? How do you gain more of it, for that matter? If it were a matter of merely reading the array of inspirational memes that endlessly scroll across our social media accounts all day and pressing the “Like” button, we’d all have wisdom to spare. None of us would ever be lonely.
Likewise, if empathy were gained simply by being around other people, or commenting on their posts, or hitting the sad emoticon button when they post that they just broke up with their boyfriend again, empathy would be the norm (and, therefore, loneliness the exception).
Alas, not so.
Here’s a quick self-check for wisdom:
1.) Do you listen as well as you speak?
2.) Are you known for being patient and tolerant?
3.) Are you comfortable with and intentional about silence and self-assessment?
4.) Have you honed the awareness skills necessary for noticing what is going on around you?
5.) Do you live as an agent of choice, not merely a victim of circumstance?
And now, for empathy:
1.) Do you listen as well as you speak? (Sound familiar?)
2.) Do you know how to ask the right kind of questions at the right time?
3.) Is it the norm for you to consider others, whether they are physically present or not (and, in fact, even if you may not know them at all)?
4.) Have you accepted with peace the fact that not everything is about you?
5.) Do you regularly practice tangible acts of kindness?
Well, at risk of being accused of shameless promotion, helping people increase empathy and wisdom are the main goals of my mentoring, speaking, this blog and both of my books.
And those themes continue in new ways as I’m now in the process of writing my third book.
So it seems I’ve actually been helping people to be less lonely this whole time. Who knew?
Honestly, I did. I knew.
I knew because I’ve seen the results over and over in people’s lives for decades. As I said, I just didn’t have the science behind it until now.
Here’s some more good news. If you are feeling lonely, you really can do something about it. And as this new study shows, being less lonely isn’t reliant on having more people around (which is tough during the current extended pandemic). It’s something you can work on all by yourself. Today.
I encourage you to pick up one or both of my books. But I also understand that many people have been greatly affected by this pandemic and may not have money for extras right now. If you really want to read these books and simply can’t afford to, follow the links to the book titles above. You can get started reading a good deal of each of the two books using the download links I’ve provided there. And if you finish those and want to continue, drop me a message on my website’s contact form. Introduce yourself, let me know which book you’d like — and I will send you a full digital copy of either for free. No strings attached.
So why not start being less lonely right now?
So lovely to see this post pop up, Erik. I’ve missed your wisdom. And great to hear that there’s a new book in the works. Your post makes perfect sense to me. 🙂 When I used to work in mental health, one of the best ways to help my clients was to hook them up with organizations where they could volunteer their time and energy. The suggestion was often met with quizzical stares since these people were desperate to receive help, not give it. But it was wonderful to see them make friends, feel empowered, and enjoy the knowledge that they were having a positive impact on the lives of others. A sure-fire cure for loneliness. Harder to do during a pandemic, I’ll admit. But not impossible. Kindness doesn’t need to happen in person and it’s free! I hope some readers take advantage of your generous offer. Hugs.
Hi, Diana! What a breath of fresh air (an idiom that means much more in a time of pandemic and sky-choking smoke and ash, eh?) to connect again. I felt rusty somehow writing and posting today’s blog post—not a good sign. But I’ve had to give myself a pass. No guilt. Just taking my own advice to “Start from where you are, not from where you wish you were.”
Regarding the study, it indicated that empathy need not even require us to be around other people to practice it, and that this is why it helps combat loneliness. When we are isolated, some of us naturally think, “I wonder how Diana is doing with the wildfires” or “I wonder how Paul is holding up in Dallas with the extended power outage” or “I wonder how so-and-so is doing [emotionally, financially, physically] with the pandemic constrictions.” And these thoughts not only ground us—causing us to naturally be thankful for what we ourselves do have at the moment—they often cause us to call, or send a text or email or card. On the other hand, if we don’t have this kind of worldview-empathy, we are left to only think about ourselves, our own troubles… and our loneliness.
Similarly, wisdom, though it is often “put into practice” in tangible ways, also acts as a constant voice inside that constantly reminds us of important things (e.g., “This too shall pass.” “If you want a friend, be a friend.” “Complaining changes nothing.” etc.).
Fascinating stuff. And it makes utter sense.
I hope your creativity is on “high” and that you’re finding freedom (inside and out) to put it to good use.
Creativity is improving! It’s crazy that we’ve been isolating for a year. But there is finally light at the end of the tunnel. The muses are waking up! It’s been lovely to see you blogging again. Hugs!
It’s funny, Erik: Through my work with the Climate Reality Project and L.A. Animal Services, I know a lot of (wise and empathetic) people who invest some degree of their time and energy into their community, and every one of them has stayed optimistic and levelheaded through the pandemic, despite firsthand experience with some of its saddest consequences. (I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met through the Pet Food Pantry program here in L.A. who rely on that public service just to feed their dogs and cats, so desperate is their financial situation.) These folks “get outside themselves,” if that makes sense? And throughout this past year, I’ve observed that those who’ve contributed to a cause outside their own lives — and connected with people outside those lives — have remained optimistic for the future, whereas those (of means) who’ve stayed insularly focused only on their own jobs/families/concerns are more likely to indulge in nihilistic and/or conspiratorial thinking (and that includes people on the right and left).
So, my advice to anyone who may feel lonely or pessimistic or purposeless is to find a cause outside your own life and, if you’re privileged enough to be able to, volunteer your time to it — even if that’s only thirty or sixty minutes a week. Being out amongst your neighbors and making a positive contribution to your community, in whatever capacity you can, is the best antidote to pessimism and feelings of isolation. Opposition energy — like voting against Trump — is fine; there’s absolutely a place and purpose for it. But contribution energy — being for something — is what humanizes us, what ultimately breeds wisdom and empathy.
Nice to have you back, pal! Can’t wait for the new book!
Hey, Sean. First, I’ve got your latest post queued up for tomorrow. It’s been good to reconnect over at “your place” of late, and I’m looking forward to jumping in again.
Please see my comment to Diana. It applies well to what you’ve said here. However, you’ve given it even another angle, which I love. Loneliness is definitely related to purpose. When we have no sense of urgent purpose, we have no reason to get up in the morning. And when we do, we “sit around” thinking about how purposeless things are (though we usually frame that mentally as “how purposeless life is”)—never a good starting point if we want to shake off feelings of loneliness. Empathy drives us to purpose; wisdom allows us to apply that purpose with regularity.